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[12 Oct 2005|08:51pm] |
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Night Fairy, A print by Donia
I've definately been in my own little world lately. Sorry, I've been avoiding everyone. It's nothing personal -- it's that saaviness in me. As some of you know, I'm in the process of getting a loan to open a coffee lounge with entertainment in Sugarhouse (Salt Lake City). It's been insaine putting everything together that the banks need - poor Franz has had to dig through storage for 3 years of taxes, we've been meeting with zoning (don't get me started) they just suck, and the business plan is strong, but my fingers ache from re-typing everything I think. I shouldn't complain really.......I'm so happy - I just feel a hint of guilt for not documenting my dreams (and they've been crazier than ever) and of course, if I don't document them, I forget them - so there's a big chunk of my 'other life' that's already long-forgotten because I'm to busy in my real one. Heh. Anyhows, I hope to be back to writing soon.
Oh ya, I'm scheduled to get my yellow belt on Dec. 17th, but the problem is that's the same day I'm in E's wedding. Damn! Well, I guess I'll just need to think of something to really piss me off so I spar real good for my test.
Uuum. I found a dream china cabinet. It's only 2K. http://www.mbwfurniture.com/main.cfm/id/2762.html And a dream dining room table. It's only 2K. http://www.mbwfurniture.com/main.cfm/id/2755.html . Ah, hell, since I'm dropping 4K on my dining room, I may as well buy the fucking chairs huh? http://www.mbwfurniture.com/main.cfm/id/2754/image/4.html . They match my house ever so perfectly! I'm so damn crazy! I can't help it. I love love love to decorate and I just can't wait to have a new house to paint and....and...and....
Hugs to all.
P.S. Going to fetish night on Friday. Should be fun. The only damn bummer is that Franz can't find his cape! Damn, I'd love to hide under it on fetish night! Heh. 13 years together warrants new adventures - can't help myself.
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| A jumbled load of who knows what...... |
[19 Sep 2005|05:02am] |
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You Didn't Want Me, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack
You Didn't Want Me, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack |
I tried to write a poem tonight, but it didn't work. I was all over the place. To many words to make sense of it all...I'm stuck between writing a busines plan, feeling past memories and wanting to go crawl back in bed....
Once upon a time I danced with a doll
Caught in the act, *crushed* I thought I’d die of embarrassment.
I guess I to was a child in so many ways
Back in those fucked up days
a rush it was……
missing, loving, wanting....you
a burning white
blinded our life
hating, craving, needing.....you
a fever so high
aching, dreaming, thirsting for every ounce..... of you
a passion so deep
obsessing, craving and longing for you
I tried to burn the memory of you a decade ago
But the ashes remain in my sewn-up heart
Slowly - slowly eating it apart…
I’m so very sorry in so many ways
And so very thankful for so many more
Sweet visions of romance still dance in my head
And it's nice to know you aren't dead
--
ya, I know, lame ending, but it was true!
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| Just a bunch of rambled thoughts... |
[16 Sep 2005|09:04pm] |
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Pride...v2, A pr4int by Lara Jade
Pride...v2, A pr4int by Lara Jade |
Just got back from Madagascar...cute movie...my son and his friend were singing it all the way home. It was so cute. I rolled down the windows and let em' rip! We all sang, "I like to move it move it!" at the top of our lungs. People thought we were nuts and it was great fun!
Today was pretty uneventful. I thought a great deal about C.S. Wondering what....well, it doesn't matter I guess because the thoughts are irrelevant. I remembered a time in life where all I wanted was the drugs to be gone so I could have this beautiful person all to myself. It never happened. So sad, the times were so intense, so beautiful, so crazy and......I think of them often because it was such a major part of my life.
Now, I have a new life tho. I need to forget the time he caught me hugging my doll because I felt like a little girl and couldn't express to him how I felt. I need to forget San Diego and continue to move on and be strong, because I left that world for a reason. I have a beautiful life and an amazing future awaiting me - and I just need to continue to be thankful for my love, my son, my husband and my life.
There's my drama post for the week.
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[14 Sep 2005|04:15pm] |
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Queensryche |
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Loves Secret Domain, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack
Loves Secret Domain, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack |
I can't begin to explain the emotions and memories that are rushing through my mind right now....All I can say, is I'm thankful I grew up, I wish I would've had children sooner and I'll never forget what he taught me and what I taught myself in that relationship. I'm ever so thankful for my lovely husband and child and am so lucky that I found my balance in life. But, I can't help but think of the past - it was so intense. So fucking intense. And, sometimes - I miss that intensity in my life. Afterall, I've always been a wild one. I'll shut up now and move on since only one person would understand this post anyway.
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| Fucking viscious..... |
[11 Sep 2005|10:40pm] |
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Relaxing, A print By Dkraner
I feel fucking viscious right now. Viscious. I just fucked the daylights out of my husband and he's laying in bed all numb and I want MORE MORE MORE! I guess this is private, but right now I could give a fuck, so if you don't give a shit you can stop reading. I feel the urge to whip and hurt him! Of course, he'd let me hurt him, but probably not whip him -- and I'm just sitting at this god damn computer wishing for more. It really sucks to be me tonight. I'm full of anger tonight.......rage.......and I'm not sure why.
Oh, I bought a beautiful red leather jacket at Nordstrom. Maybe that's what's bringing out the nasty. Or, could it be the anticipation of...........something I'm...........uuuuuuh. Shit. I feel visious. I think I'll go burn some insense and get high. Although that might.......I won't finish that thought. |
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| Shrinking Dad.... |
[04 Sep 2005|11:55am] |
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Evanescence |
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Personal Savior, A print by FallnAngelTears
Personal Savior, A print by FallnAngelTears |
Well, my son has been having really fucked up dreams since he was born, and I've contemplated starting to document them, but have decided that I'll try. I guess I shuold create his own lil' spot here, but for now I'll bury them in my journal. I asked him to pick out his favorite picture out of my photos and he picked this one.....
So he dreamt that his Dad was in the hospital because the bad guys shrunk him. Hot stuff went in his left arm really fast and it hurt Dad real bad, so D woke him up and they both cried. Then Dad turned into a teenager. Then it hurt so bad that he turned back into a grown up. D. was very sad and crying and was heart-broken because his Dad was hurt.
So, there you have it. The mind of a 5 year old.......I would've expected him to pick out a power ranger or Spiderman picture or something, but he instisted this picture resembled his dream.
I feel guilty for giving him my fucked up dream genes and wish I could make them all go away.
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| Psyco Psyce....... |
[04 Sep 2005|11:47am] |
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Snapdragon, Olivia
Snapdragon, Olivia |
Dreamt last night of C.S., M.H. and my husband, of course. The three great loves of my life......it was odd, so odd to where I'd rather not even talk about it right now.....
Had another where I went to Hawaii -- with D.B and J.?. Another strange dream. We rented a bungalo type room that came with tons of beauty supplies and I barely made it there because I was leaving from work and forgot my passport and was out of time. I knew they only asked for a passport 1 out of 8 times, so I took my chances and made it. Hawaii was beautiful......the company sucked. So, I ditched em' and wandered alone through cute boutiques and swam in the warm warm ocean. I was jealous of people in floaty boats with roofs.
Well, I guess I better get back to pumping out the business plan......I'm so close with being done with the financial plan and am just waiting on a few more quotes before finalizing it. I still have the strategic marketing analysis to do and a bunch of other shit. Uuuh. I can think of better things to do this lovely weekend, but I have to do what I have to do so I can do what I want to do.
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[29 Aug 2005|08:25pm] |
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Enya |
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Archaea, A print by Oliver Wetter
Archaea, A print by Oliver Wetter |
Dreams suck. I've dreamt 4 days in a row of a former love, and it's very disheartening because I do not love this man anymore and it pisses me off that these god-aweful dreams of him continue to haunt me 10 years later. Oh, back then I was young and blind and life was so free and wild........It is amazing that I still remember every crease in his skin, every wicked smile, every good time and how his love for me actually brought him to his knees in tears..........oh, such a long story.......but why must I be haunted by him? I want nothing to do with him from a sexual or comforting zone -- so why these dreams.....?
Uuuh. Well, on a positive note, I love my new home (not my house, just my home) - and am so nervous. As my fingers anxiously type a business plan in a frantic mode and I change this and change that -- and stress whether the banks will give me the money I want to be a business owner. Even with a down-payment, it's so incredibly intense. Fucking stressful. I hate stressing. I only want to share this beautiful time of my life and think of the next journey rather than stress on dreaming about an ex that only chewed my heart up, spit it out, and left me to die while begging me back.
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| I'm ALIVE in SLC, Utah! |
[23 Aug 2005|09:47am] |
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Please contact me if you know the artist so I may credit them for this lovely picture. |
Well, I made it! I'm in SLC and alive and well with my happy family! I promise I'll start writing more and catch up with everyone soon.....and I apologize for my tardiness over the past month, I've been packing and moving and shleffing boxes around and trying to not be a stressed freakazoid because I HATE MOVING and I just do it too much! Anyhows, it feels like home here and I'm already feeling very at ease.
I promise I haven't forgotten about you and I"ll catch up soon!
If anyone knows who the artist is for this kick-ass picture let me know and I"ll happily credit them.
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[27 Jul 2005|10:14am] |
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Fairy, A print by So BORED ever again
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OK, give me shit for saying I'm to busy to post until after I move and then coming in here an posting....oh well,
So, last night I dreamt I was in school (like High School) and it was a setting where the halls had shops and a spa etc. I decided to get my nails done instead of going to Math and History (surprise!) so I sat down and a woman removed my nail polish. Then, I showed her many coins that my grandmother had left me when she passed away. They were tarnished and she cleaned them for me.
A young rough looking Spanish girl with two boy sidekicks was complaining of an upset stomach and wanted to take a pregnancy test. I told her to go to the school nurse because it was free and she was complaining about cash. She instisted that was a bad idea, because they had cameras in there. Then, I saw her walk out of the nurses office. For some reason, the girl was getting her nails done before me by a different lady and I was jealous. I showed her some jewelry that my grandmother had left to me and one of her sidekicks tried to steal a piece. I emptied all their pockets and went and sat on a couch all alone. The nail ladies forgot about me and explained that lil' Miss needed a full set and I was just going to have to wait longer. I was irritated and didn't get my nails done for like another hour.
I think this is like the 5th time I've dreamt of being in school this month....
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| Hello everyone |
[26 Jul 2005|02:59pm] |
Hello everyone,
I am so sorry I've been slacking at writing lately.....for those who don't know I am moving to the other side of the country and have been throwing crap in trashbags and boxes for what seems like weeks now. So, please don't delete me as your friend, just give me a bit of time (like until Sept. 1) to get back in the swing of things. Peace and Peace. M
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| Sex in the Wind - |
[15 Jul 2005|10:50pm] |
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Massive Attack |
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Pet, A print by Courtnee Papastathis
Pet, A print by Courtnee Papastathis |
I own a beautiful blood red velvet blanket with dark almost blackish colored roses on it. It's spectacular and I use it as more of a show piece than an actual blanket....last night, in my dream it was definately a show piece! I gently lied down on this blanket all embrased in layers of black sheer. My dress had a train that was split all the way up past the mid portion of my back and it had long flowy whip-like sleeves that were a good 10 feet long. The dress was made of like 2 inch strips of long flowing layers and layers of black sheer*I hope you saw House of Flying Daggers when the woman slapped the drums with her sleeves when she was dancing....if so, you'll know what I mean about those long sleeves.* I made seductive faces and posed for the unknown. Some poses were romantic, some nasty, some seductive....but every one was so tastefully erotic. I was all alone and these sexual positions were all those that I've experienced in my life. All alone. No man, no woman, no toys. It was just a show. Skin, high-heels, tattered dress....Every time I posed, the layers of black sheer fell just in place to reveal my body part underneath. Sometimes it was my ass, other times something as simple as a shoulder or a hip or a hard nipple. Ever so tasteful in a dangerous way...In the end, I was on all fours, fast and furious and whipping my long red hair around....
smiling and grinding with the wind......
Damn! I wish I could write like my best friend. She could re-write this to sound a billion times better. But me, aaah....I just say it as I dreamt it. *oh well*
I wonder if me watching House of Daggers influenced this....
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| Slacking Slacking |
[12 Jul 2005|07:26pm] |
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Night Fairy, A print by Donia
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I know, I know.....I'm slacking on posting my dreams. Well, a few nights ago I dreamt I was on a walking escalator going to lunch with my mom, son and husband. We walked through this huge buffet of exotic cheeses and I was in heaven. At the end was a delightful Indian bar with tons of exotic dishes and I so delicately placed a tablespoon of each dish on plate, so I could be sure not to miss anything! Before I could eat tho, I noticed a pet lion off to the right. I prompted F to take a pix of me with it. Strangely enough, the only way to get the lion to pose was to piss the little rascal dog off. So, some guy squirted the dog with a squirt gun while I hugged the lion and F took my picture. I was so happy. The lion loved me and I loved him too......then everyone and their brother wanted their pix taken hugging the lion. So, a huge line formed and I went and ate!
The next night I was like Spiderwoman! I was gliding in-between sky rise buildings using some fancy wrist web contraption just like spiderman has. But, I was pure black.......
If I dreamt last night, I don't remember it now. That's what I get for not keeping up with this dream journal.
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| Ashes of Fathers |
[08 Jul 2005|05:22pm] |
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I Hate Sun, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack
I Hate Sun, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack |
Last night I dreamt that I drank the cremated ashes of F's father. Yes, I swallowed a dead mans ashes that I've never met. I called my mother and told her I was going to do it and she was so sad......F's Aunt's came in from Denmark and everyone came from all over the world to bare me farewell for my kind-hearted choice to die so that my husband could see his father one more time.
I drank the ashes, and it consumed my body which would make me live until I passed away in my sleep that night. The only rule purse' was you could not vomit them up. Of course, my body instinctively tried to vomit, I caught it in my mouth and swallowed it again. (Gross, I know). If I was to vomit, I would die and Franz’s father would remain dead and wouldn’t come back for a day.
So, I swallowed all the cremated ashes………. Instead of peacefully dying in my sleep, I woke up the next morning. Very weak and unable to get out of bed, I remained quietly suffering for days. I whispered a lot and tried to squeeze a smile out here and there so no one would know how terribly painful it was. But inside and out, I was aging quickly and in a tremendous amount of pain because I hadn't died yet. My body continued to turn a brighter orange color by the hour until my fair skin was that of a 100 year old woman who tanned every day of her life. Dark brown, dry, wrinkly and just lifeless. I grew physically ugly for many days while F held my hand the whole time. It was very touching the way he stayed with me to the bitter end. As I died, I looked around at all the materialistic things in life that I love, like my living room furniture, fornasettis and trinkets. I realized how materialistic I had been and while I cherished every beautiful thing I owned, I always and forever knew that my family and true friends were way more important than any materialistic item I had. No matter how hard I worked for it. But it was important that I be with all my favorite things until I died. I guess that’s not asking to much…….
I died about 4 days later, in my bed. One day, while awake, I looked at my husband and ran out of breath. I wasn't trying to speak or smile or anything. I just laid there and looked at him as he held my weak hand ever so tightly. In the other hand, was a very special crystal that helped take a way a little bit of pain……………………
I don't what he told his father or what they did when they got see each other one more time again.
Somehow, the crystal helped reincarnate me many years later. I came back into the world a wife and a mother and knew everything I had previously done so that my beloved could have one more special day.
I woke up.
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| A Family Vacation To Remember |
[05 Jul 2005|09:07pm] |
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The Sanctuary, A print by Cecile Lensen
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What an incredible vacation! Full of family and fun - it started with visiting my Dad and step-mom in Ojai Ca. where we were greeted with a kick ass red jaguar. We ate sushi and Vietnamese! Visited family friends while roaring through town in the cherried 69' convertible mustang which Daddy decided his little girl needed to own. Then visited Uncle K, where we were greeted by a Hummer Truck, where we attempted to go to a Beatles tribute concert in Lake Tahoe and go fishing. A train trip to Grandma and Grandpas granted us much relaxation after the 2 day Disneyland trip! Need I say Daylan had the time of his life? The trip was topped off with visiting Salt Lake City, where we will most likely move. We hit the city hard, looked at many cities and fell in love with the Sugarhouse area. We've decided to open our coffee lounge there - if my work will approve my move. We'll see.....I wonder what life has in store for our next step. It sounds like it's going to be a big one.
Sorry to say I didn't record any of my dreams while I was on vacation, so I forgot most of them. I do remember a dream about sitting on a barstool in the sky and being part of a reality show and "tempting a tiger" who was supposedly tame, but he was trying to eat me.....crazy?!
Please bear with me while I catch up on everyone's lives. Happy 4th!
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[05 Jun 2005|10:07pm] |
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Aria, A print by Elantriell
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3 dreams last night; first I hurt my back terribly and I was moaning for Franz to help me and his phone rang. His mom started going off on him and got all pissed that he was helping me instead of her.
THen, I had a cute little movie about my friend Lesa and her hubby. They were in 1 room of a house and asked what movie they should see. B recommended xyz and I said, "no you don't wanna see that." Why not? And, all of a sudden the dream turned into an old fashioned black and white wind-up movie slide dream while I was explaining the movie. A young man and 40's girl walked through a bedroom and into a living room. The girl stood by two huge windows and pulled the blinds down . They were all crooked and bent. The guy asked if she wanted to go in the room and she said, "no, here is fine" and she whipped open her overcoat to reveal stockings/carter/corset. I assume they screwed and I have no idea if they went to go see that movie.
Last, there was a large blonde woman that I was going down on in a massive way. I could get all detailed, but I just leave it at, I was not holding back! We were all over and in a hot-tub, then pool, then outside and I just kept going down on her and couldn't get enough! Then, she had to get out of the hot-tub, but couldn't step over the pool because she was to small. She didn't want to have to go through the pool because it had gotten dirty with a donut we had accidentally spilled in it.
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[03 Jun 2005|08:48pm] |
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A Heart Failed, A print by Natalie AKA BlueBlack
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Thought I was getting lucky with a couple of good nights sleep. But, here I went and had another horrible dream last night....I dreamt there was a semi truck across the street that was backing up while Franz and I were pulling out of the driveway. He backed into us, pulled forward and backed into us again causing our car to crush into a motor home. Both Franz and I were compacted between metal and glass and who knows what else. I knew I was terribly injured and could physically feel my internal bleeding. I could actually feel the shears of glass sticking out of my head and face and I couldn't move my body because I was compacted and I couldn't speak because glass was stuck in and around my entire face and lips. Franz and I spoke to each other telepathically (I think that is what you call it) and told each other how much we loved each other and got all gushy. The scariest part of all, is our son was in the backseat. We knew for some reason, he was okay. But we knew we were in serious if not close to dead conditions. As always, I have no idea how it ended......
I also remember taking a taxi to hotel and pushing my laundry through the lobby in an empty ottoman into an elevator to some hotel. Franz had parked up the street (for some reason) and was in the elevator when I started emptying out the ottoman and throwing all my bras and garter belts and weird shit into the elevator. The front desk clerks were looking at me like I was out of my mind and I couldn't give a shit what they thought.
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| MY HAIRCUT!!!!! |
[02 Jun 2005|10:46pm] |
I'm getting my haircut! I'm keeping it the dark red (of course) that Lesa dear convinced me to do. Here it is. It'll be red with black highlights (just a few)....Here's a picture:
http://www.ukhairdressers.com/style/index2.asp?R1=6540&month1=&pg=1&styl1=Paterson%20SA
Will I be hot? Or not?
I want to see a little more out of that eye and be able to still pull it up and have bangs when I need to look normal perse'. I'm excited! I'll also keep my hair as long as possible, so it'll probably be longer than this.
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[01 Jun 2005|10:33pm] |
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Tower Prisoner, A print by Natlie AKA BlueBlack
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I played chess last night for the first time ever. It gets worse......I enjoyed it. Eeeeeew! Did I say that. Old age is turning me into a geek!
Also had a kick-ass performance review today that I was sweating. I'm always achieving expectations which is damn good since I work my fucking ass off!
I have exactly 90 minutes to decide whether my family and I are willing to move to another country (China, Japan, Germany or London) for a two year assignement. Uuuuh.........I think I'll pass on this one. I just hope I don't regret it. What a fantastic experience for everyone it would be. The only problem, is I'd have to work my ass off even harder with a new assignment and, truthfully, I'm damn tired. I like my role where I an always achieve expectations and if I'm going to make a change, it probably won't have anything to do with the company I work for at this phase of my life.
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mascarafaerie's journal